Tuedsay, April 29, 2008

Erin's heart rate has started to drop again. I didn't get much sleep last night. It was actually a long night. Steven got the kids ready for school. After school the will go to play with the Moses Family. Thank You Anne Marie! I was sitting there looking at Erin when my mother came walking into the room. I just knew she would be coming. I just knew it. The very thing I needed at that moment was a hug from my mother and there she was. A tender mercy from the Lord. I was very glad to see her. She brought me some water, fruit and snacks.

I needed a shower. Steven came and got me and took me to his sister Patricia's house. I showered, brushed my teeth and changed my clothes. This helped a lot.

We still needed to decide what to do. Erin was still in so much pain. Dr. Walker wouldn't be back until Friday and that was still 4 days away. If we did the surgery Dr. John Kestle would be doing it. Erin wouldn't last long enough to wait for Dr. Walker. She was in so much pain, she just couldn't wait. Earlier today while pondering I had a strong feeling, almost a voice that said, “Nancy, the knowledge Dr. Kestle has is from God. Trust him and know he can help you. I will guide him.” Steven and I knelt in prayer at this point because we needed to know God will concerning Erin. He asked me to offer the prayer. I poured my heart out and told the Lord that we would do whatever He wanted. I had a peace come over me and I knew that we needed to do the surgery ASAP. I had a strong feeling that God would guide Dr. Kestle and that the angels would be with Erin and protect her.

We went back to the hospital and told the nurse we were ready to talk with Dr. Kestle. He was in surgery at that time. He came to Erin's room at 3pm. We looked over the MRI and he pointed out what was going on. How they would proceed and what to expect. Possible outcomes. We asked a lot of questions. That little voice of doubt and opposition was speaking in my ears. When they gave us the consent form I got all choked up and couldn't sign it. I gave it to Steven and started to cry. I said, “I just can't sign this. You will have to do it.” Dr. Kestle was very patient and understanding. He told us we didn't need to decide right now, but he needed the form by tonight. Again the spirit whispered peace to my soul. I heard, “Peace and be Still all will be okay.” The Operating room was scheduled and Steven signed the form.

Another MRI would need to be done because they needed to put markers all over Erin. They wanted to do this MRI with no sedation or anesthesia. Erin was so scared. I could see the fear in her eyes. I stood by her side the whole time. Poor Steven was pacing out in the hall. He must have walked a mile. I watched as she went into the tube. Her little body, just laying there. We told her she had to lay very still or they would have to start over. How was she going to do this? I noticed this little mirror and I told Erin, “Look up into the mirror when you are scared. I will be there.” Erin would look up and the mirrors would reflect right into my eyes. We could look at each others eyes. I never left. I was there the whole time. Every time she look up my eyes met hers and she knew I was there. I help my hand on her leg and stroked back and forth so she could feel me. Seeing her in that tube and seeing how afraid she was just about did me in. My legs hurt from standing without moving for so long. My back was screaming with pain from bending over to reach into the tube and touch her but I was not moving. My eyes were fixed on that mirror. Every time she looked up she saw me. During this I suddenly had this feeling come over me...This is just like our relationship with our Heavenly Father. We may be scared, in a dark small place and facing the biggest challenge we have faced but every time we look up He will be there. Every time!!! We are never alone, and just like Erin, her situation didn't change. She was still in the tube, but she felt safe, she felt peace amidst the turmoil and the challenge. I was there for her just like Heavenly Father is there for us, for me. We finished the MRI and returned to her room. Dr. Kestle called to check in with me and make sure we were still okay with doing the surgery. I told him yes.
I decided I needed to get a decent nights sleep so I asked for a sleeping room. I went at 11:00 pm to bed and told the nurse to come and wake me if she needed anything. At 12:00am there was a knock on the door. Erin had been crying and screaming. She wouldn't take her medicine or settle down. She just kept crying, “I want my Mom.” I went into her room and the nurse told me just to sleep in the bed with her. I laid by her and she finally settled down and took her medicine.

Later that night Erin's pulse dropped to 33 beats. This was so low that the ICU nurse was pacing back and forth. At 12:45 am Dr. Kestle was called in to do another spinal tap. This time they let me stay in the room and hold Erin's hand during the procedure. I was so thankful to Dr. Kestle for that. They removed another 60cc of fluid. Erin was in so much pain. I knew that we were guided in our decision to go forward with the surgery. She couldn't go on like this much longer. After the spinal tap Erin settled down. Her pulse was more normal and we were able to get as much sleep as you can get in ICU at a hospital.